Two Days to a Happier Girlfriend

You say you do not believe in commercialized holidays, or in wasting money on gifts or going out for dinner, but if you want a woman, any kind of woman, there are two days each year which require expenditure and your participation in rituals that are otherwise beneath you. These days are her BIRTHDAY and VALENTINE'S DAY. Should you ignore them, you put your relationships with females at risk.

Remember, not everyone is as enlightened as you. You see right through these artificial holidays to their roots in corporate greed and worn-out tradition. Your principles would never let you squander money on overpriced birthday and Valentine cards. You must save every cent because you picture your future self unshaven in a shabby room in torn underwear with half a can of beans for dinner. In fact that's kind of what you look like right now. Not real attractive.

But you still want a woman to love you, and, excuse me, want her to put out, right? Then stop being tight as a buffalo on a nickel, at least on a woman's birthday and Valentine's Day, or else your butt is grass. She might tell you so loudly to your face, or if you are long-term she might start a secret savings account, preparing to leave you and replace you with a guy considerate enough to want make her happy two days a year. All her female friends get cards and gifts. She will tell them you gave her nothing but an e-card and they will say, "What an as---le! Kick him to the curb!" and peer-pressure her to dump you. You will have your jars of pennies to sleep with.

You say you give her gifts on impulse, not on holidays. Can you name the last thing you bought especially to please her, and when? Probably months or years ago. You may think well, hell, you'll go find a woman who is more spiritual, who hates the very idea of dining out or wasting $7 on a bouquet or candy from the grocery store, who wears the same thing every day for a year and cooks her oatmeal on the radiator to save electricity. There is no such woman. Hey, coolios and hepcats: Twice a year there is something more important than saving a dollar. Twice a year you must unearth those bourgeois manners your mama taught you and acknowledge and honor your woman. She'd like appreciation more often -- she digs anniversaries, too -- but on her BIRTHDAY and VALENTINE'S DAY, if you want to keep sleeping with her, you are hereby advised to:

-Quit pretending you don't know when her birthday is, or don't know that Valentine's Day is coming up. That's childish and moronic.

-Wash, shave, brush your teeth, clean your nails and put on decent clothes to give her a break from being embarrassed to be seen with you.

-Give her a sweet and sentimental (not ironic, not humorous) card, and/or a gift (not socks; not tools; not a fistful of road-shoulder wildflowers torn up by the roots; not a tin of shattered cookies from the railroad salvage; not a Judds CD from the QuikTrip). A poem you wrote yourself is only a one-time acceptable butt-cover for not having planned ahead to show consideration for your woman's happiness.

-Turn off the TV and computer and take the Bluetooth out of your ear and take her somewhere.

-If you are a cheap-az and she still respects you although nobody else does, you probably won't mind embarrassing yourself in front of the whole world by taking her to the Subway and paying, like you're real generous, for her sandwich (and yours). Let her drink a soda without mentioning that it's just high-priced water and corn syrup. She knows this.

-Smile at her and tell her she is one hot number.

-Give her the card and gift.

She will be happy for days afterward and you will benefit in many ways. Oh, so simple!

If you like money better than women...leave women alone!